


you don't know (me at all)

by deforestation



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Asexual Harry Hart, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 14:21:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3732097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deforestation/pseuds/deforestation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry falls asleep probably just before Eggsy comes home, because the last thing he thinks he feels is the dip of the bed and his last thought is: "At least he is still here."</p>
            </blockquote>





	you don't know (me at all)

**Author's Note:**

> Please check the end notes for warnings!

Harry has known that there is something wrong with him for as long as he can remember.  
It is difficult to pinpoint it or to give it a proper name, to describe it. But he knows it, he is sure of it.  
Then again, he isn't prone to despising himself nor is there much room for self-doubt in his line of work, so he lays low with it.

-

He liked Eggsy the moment he saw him, was blown off by the way he seemed to be so full of life and youth that it overflowed, the way he challenged Harry, the wit and the smart, the uniqueness.  
To be honest, it didn't take much longer to start falling for him.

-

Harry may be many things, but he has never been in favour of lying to himself. He acknowledges early on that it is more than likely (inevitable, to be honest) that Eggsy will grow tired of him after some time, and the only thing that Harry can do is try to enjoy what little he can have.

-

The first time they have sex Harry has just closed a huge deal with MI6 and Eggsy has been in England for two hours, still sharp, too sharp, from his mission in France.  
"Fucking frog-eaters", he grimaces and sits onto Harry's desk.

Harry doesn't remember who touched whom first. They do it right there, the potential between them becoming something touchable.  
Fuckable.

Eggsy takes Harry from behind, lays him down on his own carpet and takes him. First fast, then slow. Harry squirms and pants and comes.

-

The things he and Eggsy take pleasure in hardly overlap. 

Harry likes quiet nights spent in the comfort of his own home where he doesn't have to pretend anything, doesn't have to put up any kinds of walls around himself. He likes to read and attend cultural events, go to art galleries. He likes to spoil himself a little when he has the opportunity, likes to take hot, scented baths and stay in the water for hours, likes to get fitted for another quality suit, likes to go to restaurants, eat great food and drink great wine.

Eggsy likes... he likes going to concerts (not the kinds of concerts Harry enjoys, but the kinds of where he comes out half-deaf and sweaty and laughing), likes to go to pubs, see his many friends, roam around the city and marvel at everything he sees, make the rules bend and break. Never staying still, never stopping. He is growing, after all, learning.  
And Harry. Harry is in the quiet, still space between adult and old, on top of the roller coaster, about to plummet into his last, ungraceful descent.

Harry takes Eggsy to a play once and even though he afterwards tells Harry he liked it and can even recall a couple "ace" moments of it as he puts it, it is clear that it wasn't quite what he himself would have chosen to do. 

It's such a simple concept. Eggsy runs and Harry walks.

He is fit and he knows it, but he also knows that his age is painfully visible both in his appearance and in his actions.  
Even if it might be exciting for Eggsy, the thought of having an older man for a lover, there are certain... complications. 

Harry hates how much it takes out of him to keep up with Eggsy, be it in everyday life or in private. He knows that it wouldn't take much to make Eggsy aware of his struggle, but even the thought of admitting it (taking Eggsy down with him) is painful to Harry.  
To have Eggsy tease him about it, or even worse, have him look at Harry with pity in his eyes, have him accommodating Harry, staying in when he should be out, have him leave his youth unlived.  
Have him despise Harry because of it.  
Not immediately, maybe, but someday, when he is Harry's age.

Oh, the age. He is twice Eggsy's age, old enough to be his father. Older than his father, even.

It is disgusting, really, how in love he is with Eggsy.  
Some nights he wonders which one it makes him; a pervert, or an idiot.

-

It pains Harry so very much to think about love these days. He is yet to say those three words to Eggsy and he probably won't. He doesn't want to burden Eggsy with that, have him think he owes something to Harry because of it.

(He is terrified. That Eggsy will go and never come back. Leave Harry with nothing.) 

(Alone.)

-

They are laying in Harry's bed. It's not very late, but it's dark outside and Harry can barely see Eggsy, tell the soft sheets and softer skin apart.

Eggsy has one hand behind his head and one on Harry's shoulder, back, nape, making small, tickling circles that Harry loves and that send shivers all around his body.

The air is warm and a little thick from sex, the slight sheen of sweat cooling on their skins. Harry breathes in Eggsy's scent, can't have enough of it. There is this dancing feeling in his chest, like still, warm water, blissfully content. It is so much it makes him ache a little, to hope for something even more, hope that Eggsy will stay just like this, that he'll never stop.

He blinks his eyes and is horror-stricken to feel the wetness overflow onto his cheeks.  
"You okay?" Eggsy asks, voice rough and low, sending even more shivers down Harry's back.

"Yes", Harry answers, ashamed of his own voice, so much thicker than normally. He wipes his eyes hastily, praying that Eggsy won't call attention to it.

"Hey, hey", his voice is more alert now. "Come here." He gathers Harry into his arms and lays him partly over his chest, makes his arms around Harry the perfect shelter. It's difficult to keep his breathing even and he knows that Eggsy feels and hears every single uneven dip and rise of his ribcage, how the air keeps catching in his throat.

"Hush now, luv", he murmurs into Harry's ear, keeps making circles in his back, sinks his other hand into Harry's hair, holds his head against his chest and collar bone, where his scent is so strong it overwhelms Harry. "Let it all out, yeah. There's a luv."

It takes embarrasingly long for him to calm down and even then he can't make himself meet Eggsy's eyes, choosing instead to let himself be held where he is.

"Any better?" Eggsy asks after a long time that feels like hours, eons.

"Yes", Harry croaks awkwardly, coughs and ends up sniffing like a snotty schoolboy. He knows he should go clean himself up, at least dry his eyes and blow his nose. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."

"It's okay", Eggsy says, keeps his tone blessedly hushed. "D'you wanna talk about it?"

All words seem to leave Harry.

"It's okay if you don't", Eggsy says after a minute or two and flips them over to their sides, giving Harry space to collect himself.

"I'm sorry", Harry says and sighs, wipes his eyes on the corner of the sheet and tucks it back in after.

"You don't have to apologise for having feelings", Eggsy says and wriggles back right next to Harry. "Just... is it something I did?"

Harry doesn't know what to say. How could Eggsy possibly blame himself for this?  
"No", Harry manages to say. "No, never you."

"Hmm?" Eggsy hums and presses a kiss on Harry's collar bone, close to his pulse point. Harry's breath catches.

"You are the --", Harry pauses, is it too much, will this be the thing that'll scare Eggsy away, is it, "-- best thing that's ever happened to me."

Eggsy lifts his head from Harry's neck and Harry bites his lip so he doesn't make a sound.

"Oh, luv", Eggsy breathes and kisses Harry. Slowly, so slowly, even though his face really is a terrible mess. He coaxes Harry's lips open, keeps searching for the best possible angle, dragging his teeth gently on Harry's bottom lip, licking his way inside.  
It leaves Harry breathless and with the same dangerously happy feeling in his chest that started this all.

"There, there", Eggsy murmurs and shifts closer to Harry again, cradles him close and rests his chin on top of Harry's head.

"Please forgive me", Harry manages in between his breaths. "I don't -- I don't know why I'm like this." It makes him blush with shame, the stammering. "I -- I'm so sorry."

"No need for that", Eggsy calms him.

They fall asleep like that, Eggsy keeping him close -- protecting him. It's a comforting thought, almost enough to send Harry into another fit. He closes his eyes and holds Eggsy in turn. 

Takes what he can get.

-

They're making dinner. Eggsy is wearing jeans and a ridiculous pink apron. Harry can't remember where he got it or if it was some kind of gag gift from Merlin, laying around the house.

"Pass the salt, would you", Eggsy asks and reaches towards Harry. His feet are bare and the slope of his back gorgeous, enticing, his shoulder blades a work of art.  
They're right on the tip of Harry's tongue, the three words that mean the world to Harry.

Harry gives him the salt and lets his hand linger on Eggsy's knuckles. They feel so vulnerable even if they have scabbed over long since. Eggsy's fingers twitch and he laughs softly, smiles when Harry meets his eyes.  
"You having a moment?" he asks and Harry smiles back hesitantly. "You're burning the sauce."  
Harry snaps back into focus and scratches his hot, itching neck.

The sauce tastes great even though Eggsy takes one look at the saucepan and makes Harry promise to do the dishes.  
"Wanna light a candle and all, have some proper romance?" Eggsy asks while laying out the cutlery.

"Romance, he says", Harry nods to the table. "The glass is on the wrong side."

"I drink with my left hand", Eggsy pouts. "Or is that how you woo your partners? With nice setting?"

"I thought you were wooing me", Harry points out.

"You want me to talk some etiquette to you in bed?" Eggsy teases and lowers his voice, changing it to a sensual whisper, almost a moan, leaning towards Harry. "When one is attending a dinner party, it is considered polite for one to always bring along a small gift for the host and hostess such as flowers, fine chocolates or champagne."  
Harry can't help the blush creeping upon his face and he knocks Eggsy's elbow with his own.

"Colour me wooed and pour the wine."

It's a lovely dinner. 

Harry likes these quiet moments where he can focus entirely on Eggsy and Eggsy on him. They tell each other about their week, voice their concerns about the state of national security and the leaking faucet in Eggsy's bathroom ("I think it's been doing it for a while but I haven't been around enough to notice."), speculate whether Roxy is dating someone and discuss news.  
When there is a lull in conversation from time to time it isn't uncomfortable, the space between them not getting any longer.

"You know", Eggsy says, as if remembering just now. "I've been meaning to ask but I keep forgetting."

"Hmm?" Harry hums around his mouthful of chocolate mousse.

"You have any kinks I don't know about?"

Harry swallows with difficulty.  
"Kinks?" he inquires and takes a sip of the wine.

"Yeah", Eggsy nods earnestly. "You know, uh, sexual preferences I guess."

"I do know what a kink is", Harry says, maybe a little sharply if Eggsy's little frown is any measure. They fall silent.

Harry tries to think of something. What does he like?

"I know you like it when I, like, do the tickling thing on your back", Eggsy offers after a while.

"Yes", Harry nods and watches the wine rotate in the glass. "I like it."

"You can think about it and tell me some other time", Eggsy offers at last, sensing the tension and offering Harry an out.

"No", he shakes his head. "It's just. I haven't thought about it. Like that."

"It's okay", Eggsy hurries to say. "I just thought, you know, we don't talk about sex, like, at all, so if there's something you'd like me to do or not to do it'd be nice to know."  
Eggsy's gaze wanders around the room and Harry becomes suddenly aware that it is the first time during the whole evening that Eggsy hasn't been wholly receptive, is actually avoiding him. It's disconcerting to notice how much it affects him, how it makes him want to seek Eggsy's attention and affection like a puppy.

"I'm sorry if it has been bothering you", Harry tries to buy himself a little more time. "I guess I'm not much of a talker on that area."

"Nah, it's okay", Eggsy shrugs. "You just sometimes seem kinda distant, I guess."

"Distant?" Harry frowns, confused and hoping he doesn't sound angry.

"Yeah", Eggsy doesn't meet his eyes. "When we're fucking. Like you're not really that into it. Which, you know, it's okay to say no, of course. I know my libido is high as, like, a kite. So. If I'm pressuring or doing something wrong, it'd be nice to know."

There's a horrible feeling inside Harry's chest, something wild and kicking and screaming. The thought that he has made Eggsy feel like this, like there is something wrong with him... it is unbearable.

"It's not like that", Harry says, taking Eggsy's hand in his own and smoothing his fingers across Eggsy's palm. "It isn't your fault by any measure."

"What's it then?" Eggsy asks, swallowing audibly, still hanging his head.

"I'm not sure", Harry admits. "I've been feeling a tad under the weather lately."

"Yeah, but it's always been like this", Eggsy finally lifts his head and there is something vulnerable and hurt in his eyes.

"Always?" Harry asks, surprised. "Why... why haven't you said anything?"

"I'm saying now, aren't I?" Eggsy shrugs and looks at their hands, squeezes Harry's fingers gently. "And it ain't like I think it's even half-bad, you gotta know that. Fucking hell, you've seen how much I like it. Like you."

Two words, like an afterthought and they still make Harry's chest flutter stupidly.

"I'm not sure what gave you the impression that I wasn't... interested", he manages, awkward with words in a way he rarely is. "I have never once met anyone more attractive than you and I can't stand the thought that I've made you feel like anything less."

"No", Eggsy interrupts, the corners of his mouth tight. "It's not about how I feel."

"But it is", Harry insists. "To me, it is." Eggsy lets go of his hand. It's like an open handed slap to the face.

"I don't know if we're on the same page at all, you know", Eggsy sighs and runs his hand through his hair, the hand that was in Harry's a second ago. It's a tell, Harry has learned. Eggsy avoids touching his hair if he isn't truly upset. "I can't read you, Harry. I just... You don't talk to me. I need to hear things, okay? Maybe it's different for you because of the, the spy shite or something, you notice so much more than me. But I just end up second-guessing everything and wondering if I'm fucking this all up somehow."

"We're not talking about sex anymore, are we?" Harry asks quietly, hoping for a different answer.

"No. We ain't", Eggsy says and watches his hands. When he sighs, it's like he actually shrinks into himself, takes up somehow less space.  
"I think I should go", he almost whispers and stands up. "It's getting late."

Harry lets him go.

"I love you", he whispers long after the door has closed. "I love you, I love you."

He knows that Eggsy will come back but he also knows that there is going to be a time when he doesn't.

-

They're laying on the bed on top of the covers, Eggsy tapping away on his personal smart phone and Harry reading some paperback that has been on his shelf for three years.

"I think I've read this before", he notices after some time. Eggsy leans in to look at the cover and laughing.

"You don't remember? I read that to you when you were in hospital", he tells and Harry recalls vague memories of his drugged haze, the comfort of a familiar voice. "You said you missed reading."

"Huh", Harry says and shrugs, starts reading again, but his mind keeps wandering, mulling over everything they have pulled through together.

"You asked me last week about my kinks", he is hesitant to bring the subject back to surface, after last time, but Eggsy said he wanted Harry to be more open about his thoughts, so he will at least try.

"Yeah", Eggsy looks cautious but puts his phone away, knows how much it irks Harry when he fiddles with it instead of listening.

"I... I like kissing. You're truly magnificent with that. And when you talk", he manages clumsily. Eggsy raises his eyebrows.

"You want me to talk dirty?" he asks.

"No, not necessarily that", Harry suppresses his urge to squirm. "Or not just that. I meant more like when you tell me how... good you feel."

"Uh-huh", Eggsy nods and scratches his elbow. "I can do that. How about me telling you how good you make me feel? Or compliments in general."

Harry is horrified to feel his face flushing red. It's such a selfish thought, but to have Eggsy tell him how good he is...  
"That might be something worth trying", he stammers out. "Just... I don't want you saying anything you don't mean."

"Yeah, yeah", Eggsy leans in to kiss him and it is exhilarating to feel him smile, so good to see him content.

-

"First Mozambique, then South Africa", Merlin says. "At least a month."  
"Okay", Eggsy says.

Harry tries not to think too much about how dangerous Mozambique is these days, how anything could happen. He can't let his feelings interfere with their careers. It would be wrong towards Eggsy as well as all other Kingsmen.

Eggsy comes to his office the night before his leave.  
"Let's get out of here", he says and Harry follows.

They shower together, soak in the warm water for what feels like an eternity. Harry lets Eggsy clean him up, enjoys being the center of his attention.

"Can I rim you?" Eggsy asks once he has laid Harry on the bed.

"Yes", Harry says and turns onto his hands and knees, biting his lip and tongue at the feel of Eggsy's tongue, little 'oh's and 'ah's still escaping him.

"There's a good boy", Eggsy says when he lifts his face for a moment. The praise hits Harry's system like a drug, makes him shiver all over. He can't help but feel guilty, too, from taking pleasure in being called a boy by someone over two decades his junior.

"Hush now, that's good", Eggsy murmurs and Harry realizes he is shaking, small tremors everywhere. "You're so good, luv, the best. So handsome and good for me, can't believe how lucky I am."

Harry closes his eyes and bites his lip until it's a bloody mess. Eggsy alternates with rimming and talking until Harry can't really tell the two apart, until he is dizzy with it.

"Harry. You with me?" Eggsy asks and Harry snaps back to the present, not knowing when he closed his eyes. There is this worried crease on Eggsy's forehead that tells Harry he has repeated the question at least twice.

Eggsy sighs and flops down on his back next to Harry, massaging the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry", Harry tries and reaches for Eggsy, his stomach turning at the sight. Eggsy slaps his hand away lazily.

"Why can't you just tell me what I'm doing wrong?" he asks, his voice flat and cold.

"You're not doing anything wrong --", Harry starts.

"Obviously I am!" Eggsy raises his voice, snapping once and for all. "You ain't ever hard, for fuck's sake!"

"I'm sor--"

"Don't fucking say you're sorry", Eggsy sighs, the fight going out of him. "It ain't your fault."

"It's not yours, either", Harry offers and reaches for Eggsy again. Eggsy lets himself be held but doesn't respond.

In the morning he crawls out of bed, clearly trying not to wake Harry.

"Good luck", he murmurs and sits up blearily. Eggsy flashes him a smile.

"Ta", he says and kisses Harry gently, caringly, laughs quietly when Harry's toes curl in the sheets. "See you."

Then he's gone.

-

Harry knows what it may seem like to Eggsy. That it is just Harry's age catching up with him, the wirings of his body thinning until they are gone.  
Harry almost hopes it were something like that, something that could be fixed with a blue pill.

-

It is early morning, half an hour until sunrise. Harry wakes up five minutes before his alarm and sits on his bed, looking out of the window and avoiding the empty spot next to him on the bed.

Eggsy has been gone for forty-seven days, longer than ever before during their relationship. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say, but Harry is only going mad. It is painfully obvious in every single detail that Eggsy isn't here.  
Harry keeps making tea for two out of habit, keeps fishing his phone out of his pocket every once in a while to check if Eggsy has texted him. Keeps waking up when he reaches to the other side of the bed and there is no one there.

It leaves him too much time to think about their last night together. Wonder if this will be the final straw for Eggsy now that he has had time to think.

-

On the fifty-second night Eggsy comes back, let's himself into Harry's house and crawls into bed.

"Greetings from South Africa", he grins and wraps Harry into a hug, kisses him gently and it's like everything bad has been forgotten.

"I missed you", Harry whispers into the inside of Eggsy's thigh before searching for a condom, willing himself to be just like Eggsy wants him to be, responsive and eager.

"Don't need that", Eggsy says and grabs his hand.

"Have you been tested already?" Harry frowns.

"Nah, no need for that this time", Eggsy explains.

"Didn't you sleep with... whatshername, the woman who had the file?"

"Nope", Eggsy says. "She was ace."

"Sorry?"

"Ace", Eggsy repeats. "Asexual, you know."

"I'm afraid I don't", Harry laughs. "Is this like the otherkin thing? God knows how they come up with all this."

"Just saying that it could be handy for you too to know these things", Eggsy shrugs. "Anyway. Asexual as in person who ain't experiencing sexual attraction."

Harry can't help but laugh.

"There's nothing funny about it", Eggsy huffs. "You know, she told me all about how tough it was growing up when her friends started dating and stuff and she didn't wanna even kiss no one. And how hard it is to find anyone special when she doesn't wanna have sex. She wanted me to fucking sleep next to her. Said she hadn't been touched properly in years. She seemed so lonely."

They end up not having sex that night. Harry apologises for being so quick to judge but Eggsy seems still a little upset.  
He falls asleep in the blink of an eye and leaves Harry watching his relaxed, care-free face. 

They have such different worldviews, both shaped by their own time and upbringing.

-

Harry was a timid child. He had a bad habit of speaking so quickly that it was hard for others to understand and it took him years to get rid of it. He was from a wealthy but not a particularly happy family. 

They are all dead now. Harry's father from cancer ten years ago and his mother after she broke her hip badly eight years ago.  
His older sister by her own hand after the dot-com bubble, losing everything and more, leaving millions of debt.

Neither one of them married, never found anyone they would have wanted to build a family with, never had the time.  
Eggsy is his first (and to be honest: his last) relationship he has been able to imagine a future for.

He doubts he would have been a good father anyway.

-

Harry decides to run a search for asexuality because Eggsy is right; knowledge is power and in their line of work power is everything.

The results are astonishing.

He just knows that this is the thing he has never had a name for before.  
He spends hours on the internet, just reading and familiarizing himself with the whole concept.  
He finds a forum where other asexual people (aces, some of them seem to call themselves, just like Eggsy said) can exchange their experiences. 

There are so many of them.

He knows he needs to tell Eggsy.

-

Eggsy jumps when he sees Harry in the bathroom mirror.  
"Oi, keep some noise. Could've shot your head off."

"With what? Toothpaste?" Harry smiles.

"You wanna try how it feels in your eyes?" Eggsy grumbles but smiles still.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"To the pub", Eggsy tells and spreads wax in his hair, tweaking it until it looks effortlessly good. "It's Jamal's birthday. Mum told to say hello, by the way. Had lunch with her today."

"Tell her I said too", Harry asks and rolls his shoulders, trying to shake the tension. "Do you know if you're spending the night here?"  
Eggsy frowns a little at him from the mirror. 

"Yeah? Or did you have plans?"

"No, no", Harry assures. "I would just like to talk about something. It's not a pressing issue, though."

"Okay", Eggsy smiles. "Nothing bad?"

Harry thinks about the forum he visited, how so many people seemed to think that relationships between asexuals and allosexuals (another new term he didn't have a clue even existed) were doomed.

"No", he lies. "But really, it can wait. Have fun."

-

Harry spends the evening and part of the night reading and learning more, browses numerous websites until his eyes hurt from looking at the bright screen so long, deleting the browser history afterwards carefully.  
He falls asleep probably just before Eggsy comes home, because the last thing he thinks he feels is the dip of the bed and his last thought is: "At least he's still here."

-

Harry gets called into work at four am. He tries not to wake Eggsy while he takes a shower and dresses up.

"What's it?" he mutters sleepily, his face buried in the pillow, covers slipped down to his waist, showing his back. The way the light from the hallway catches him is magnificent. Something in Harry's chest aches for him.

"I have to go. Gawain is having some sort of mental crisis. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up", Harry says and puts on his shoes.

"Okay", Eggsy yawns and turns onto his back. "We still up for dinner tonight?"

"Yes", Harry smiles and leans down to give Eggsy a kiss. It sends the familiar little shivers down his whole body. Eggsy lets his hand linger at Harry's nape, careful not to mess his hair or suit up.

"Go now", Eggsy laughs after some time. "Gawain's probably mauling Merlin or someone and you're just snogging me, here."

"But it feels so good, doesn't it?" Harry smiles but lifts himself back up. "Help yourself to some breakfast."

"Yeah, yeah. Go."

-

Gawain's crisis ends up being a complete mental breakdown. It is not the first time Harry has seen an agent fail to manage his stress. After all, he has been on the brink of some episode like Gawain's once or twice himself. But it is the first time seeing something like that go down and know that Gawain was his responsibility, his to take care of.

It is nearing seven in the morning when he and Merlin get Gawain to calm down enough that they can take him to a hospital. Private, of course, full of world's best medical staff.

"Are you going to fire me?" Gawain asks Harry when there is a short lull in everything.

"No", Harry promises. "If you yourself wish to leave, we can of course try to come up with something, but otherwise I would follow the protocol. This isn't the end of the world. You are sick now, and you will receive medical care and have time off work. You will get better."

"Thank you", Gawain whispers before closing his eyes, falling asleep immediately, tired both from jet lag and the morning's events.

"You can't blame yourself", Merlin says to Harry when he walks out the door. "These things just happen. 'If's and 'but's aren't going to fix anything."

"I know that", Harry sighs. "Maybe we should still remind all agents that there are psychiatrists and other staff designated to take care of their mental health. And make ourselves available, too."

He is restless the whole day, thinking Gawain's wild eyes and the gun in his hand, the gun that wasn't even loaded, just something that he associated with protection and safety.

The human mind is a terrifying thing.

He wonders what he would do if it was Eggsy in Gawain's place.

-

They're in a restaurant, one of Eggsy's favourites. Harry likes it too, even though it isn't the kind of place which you make reservations to or which you dress yourself up.

"Hello again", the waitress smiles at Eggsy. "What would you like to have today, Mr. Unwin?"

"The salmon thing with sweet potato fries, ta", Eggsy orders without even taking a look at the menu.

"And for, you, Mr.?" the waitress turns to Harry.

"The same, thank you", he closes the menu.

"Wine?" she asks.

"White", Eggsy laughs. "You got any recommendations?"

"Actually yes. It isn't in the menu yet and I can't remember the name but it's really good, sweet and dry", the waitress explains. "I can get you a sample."

"Nah, we'll have it", Eggsy smiles. "And still water, too, please."

The waitress leaves and Harry tries to whisk away his frown.

"Who was that?" he asks in the end.

"The waitress?" Eggsy asks. "Oh, we had a bit of a chat last week when mum and I came here. Funny girl, she is."

"Oh", Harry says.

"You jealous?" Eggsy teases and Harry forces himself to keep still.

"Maybe", he admits and Eggsy laughs, a bright bubble of joy escaping him.

"Aww", he says but smiles still. "I think she's dating someone so you shouldn't worry. I'm not one for playing double, anyway."

"I didn't think that", Harry straightens up a little, scandalised.

"Yeah, yeah, calm down, I ain't saying you do. Just making sure you know there's nothing there. But hey, how's Gawain?"

-

They're in bed. Eggsy has fallen a sleep a moment or two ago and that leaves Harry watching his form in the faint, nearly nonexistent light.  
Objectively speaking, Eggsy is one of the most handsome men Harry has ever encountered. Fit and just on the right side of muscled, his movements elegant and confident.

There is surely something wrong with him for not really wanting to "tap that", like Eggsy likes to say.

Eggsy likes sex, craves it, even, has said so himself. It would be cruel to take that away from him, Harry thinks. He can't believe Eggsy would be even cross with him about it. Sad, maybe, and definitely disappointed. Or maybe he would think it as a fraud, Harry pretending to enjoy something when he didn't, tricking him.

Maybe they could go on as friends or maybe even just like they were if Eggsy could find someone else to take care of his sexual needs.

"Harry?" Eggsy asks sleepily and Harry realizes his breathing has gone erratic.  
"Yeah?" he asks and tries to get it back under control. The thought, though, Eggsy going out, to clubs, to bars, searching for someone to fuck, someone to give him the pleasure Harry can't, that Harry isn't enough for, or, or maybe Eggsy finding someone new entirely, someone better and not like Harry, not some frigid old --

"Harry", Eggsy says and there is an urgency in his voice, his fingers pressing against Harry's wrist, his pulse point. "Hey, you need to calm down."  
Harry can't breathe. He clings to Eggsy, tries to somehow convey that he can't get any air into his lungs, he can't breathe. Dear God, is this really how he is going to go?

"Harry", Eggsy's voice is firm, calming, even when his eyes are frantic. "Harry, you're having a panic attack. When you calm down, it'll be over. Okay? You ain't dying, it just feels like that. Come on, try to breathe with me. Come on, you feel my chest? Breathe in now, yeah, that's great. And now out. Yeah, good boy."

It takes time, time that feels like hours, but eventually Harry starts to feel more like himself. Still shaken but not dying.

"There you are", Eggsy sighs and gives him space. He doesn't want it, can't stand Eggsy letting go of him now. Ever letting go of him.

"Luv, you're kinda gripping me", Eggsy squirms and he lets go.

"Sorry", he chokes out.

"It's okay", Eggsy says and gathers him back close to his chest, tickling his nape. "Nothing to apologise for."

"You wanna tell me what that was about?" Eggsy asks finally.

"I'm not sure", Harry lies.

"You're lying", Eggsy chides gently. "It's okay if you don't wanna talk to me. This happened before?"

Now that Harry thinks about it, he can remember an incident from his early days in the agency. It was right after a mission, in a dirty toilet of a railway station in Italy in August, the heat suffocating him even further.

"Once, I think. But it was a long time ago."

"Okay", Eggsy says, never stopping the movement of his fingers. Leaves the topic at that. 

After a while Harry falls asleep.

-

They're in the living room, Eggsy watching television and typing a mission report, Harry going through his emails, typing polite answers. It is a comfortable silence, chicken roasting in the oven.

"You know", Eggsy says. "You could use the psych services yourself."

"Pardon?" Harry asks, caught unaware.

"Merlin sent us emails", Eggsy tells. "Some shite about how we better keep our heads together more successfully than Gawain. Just thought that it shouldn't be just us. I bet Merlin's hella stressed too, you know. And you're the one always calling the shots."

"I'm quite alright, thank you", Harry says rather icily without meaning to.

"Hey, don't get your knickers in a twist", Eggsy sighs. "I'm just saying. You going mental would be so much worse than some regular agent."

"I'm not about to go mental, like you so eloquently put it", Harry huffs.

"You had a fucking panic attack", Eggsy clenches his jaw. "And I know you're sleeping bad. You saying you wouldn't be worried about me if I was the one acting like that?"

"I don't want to fight", Harry admits, trying to retract himself from the situation.

"Me neither but I ain't watching you go mad", Eggsy hisses. "Why can't you take care of yourself? Some grown man you are."

"I'm taking care of myself just fine, but thank you for your concern", Harry says. "I'm done with this conversation."

"I ain't", Eggsy says and stands up, walks up to the window, facing away from Harry and running his hands through his hair. "I don't think we're really that compatible, you know."

There is an ice cold bang in Harry's chest, like he's been shot.

"At first I thought, you know, maybe you just don't trust me yet, but it's been almost a year, Harry. If there ain't trust by now, I don't think there'll ever be. This is supposed to be the best time in the whole relationship but it's the worst, okay? It's the worst. We don't talk, we don't fuck. You know, I don't date if I'm not serious and... fuck, I just don't..."

"I'm sorry", Harry croaks embarrassingly and Eggsy breathes in, breathes out.

"It's okay. I... I need to go now. For a while. Okay?"

So he goes, footsteps hurried in the hallway.  
Harry stays. 

God, he wants to throw up. 

Or throw something. 

Himself out of the window.

-

Eggsy is in Harry's office the next day when he gets back from a meeting.  
"Feet off", Harry barks automatically and Eggsy removes his feet from the desk, grins up at Harry.

"Her Majesty the Queen doing alright?" he asks.

"Quite", Harry smiles without meaning to and shrugs his coat off. "What have you been up to?"

"Nothing much", Eggsy yawns and rises from the chair, takes Harry's coat and hangs it up. "Trained hand to hand with Roxy. She's definitely seeing someone, by the way. Sit down." He guides Harry to the chair, palms a warm pressure on his shoulders.

"What's going on?" Harry asks quietly but let's himself be guided, basks in the simple pleasure of touch.

"You're looking kinda tense", Eggsy says. "Off with the jacket." Eggsy helps Harry out of it and goes to hang it too, rolling his own shirt sleeves up on his way back.

"Oh", Harry sighs the moment Eggsy digs his thumbs into the tense muscles of his back.

He is just on the right side of rough with it, getting the blood flowing for good, working every single kink out of Harry.

"Hush, they probably hearing you from the corridor", Eggsy laughs quietly after some time and makes Harry bend his head a little, starts working on his neck. Harry realises he has been making noises, small and happy.

"Hush", Eggsy repeats, most likely feels as much sees the heat spreading on Harry's skin.

He keeps going for a long time. Harry keeps his eyes closed and enjoys it.

-

Harry is in bed. Eggsy is still in the toilet, rummaging the cupboards for band aids. He had a bit of an accident while practising his knife work, only a small cut on the back of his hand, but enough to put Harry on edge when he noticed it.

"Come here", he asks when Eggsy emerges.

"Wait, I'll put some jammies on", Eggsy says.

"Don't bother", Harry advises and it's like there is a light bulb in Eggsy's eyes that turns on at Harry's words, something warm and calling.

"What, are you gonna seduce me, Mr.?" Eggsy asks coyly, poses at the foot of the bed.

"Positively debauch you", Harry nods and offers his hand. Eggsy takes it and lets Harry pull him next to himself. "May I--?"

"Yeah, yeah", Eggsy nods eagerly and Harry straddles him, grinding their hips together, hoping it comes off as sensual instead of uncertain.

"Ah, that's so good", Eggsy groans and tilts his head back. Harry bites a kiss into his jaw and he twitches. "Yeah, yeah."

Harry puts his back to it, makes it as good as he can, not stopping until he can feel Eggsy twitching inside him with his taste still in Harry's mouth, has him grinning up at Harry with tears in his eyes, moaning loud and unashamed, his fingers grasping at Harry's hips, keeping him close, so close he surely bruises.

If this is what he has to do to keep Eggsy, then he will do it.

-

They're in the living room. It's Sunday morning, early fall, the air cold and sharp, and even though they don't have the luxury of weekends or holidays or any kind of constancy, really, it makes it even better. To have this moment, something so ordinary, see and hear the world slowly wake up around them.

Eggsy fiddles with the newspaper, leafing through the pages, glancing over the headlines and stopping only when something truly catches his attention.

The sun comes up slowly, so slowly, to touch Eggsy, lighting him up, making him so beautiful, so goddamn gorgeous that Harry can't breathe.

"I love you", he wants to say. It is so close, like a hiccup in his throat, so close to popping out.  
"I'm asexual", he wants to say.  
"I'm sorry."  
"I love you."  
"Will you move in with me?"  
"Please don't leave me."

He doesn't say anything, just takes Eggsy's hand in his and drapes it over his shoulders, burrows close to him.  
"Hm?" Eggsy humms, squeezing him momentarily.

"Nothing", Harry breathes and closes his eyes for a moment. Eggsy kisses his forehead, a simple touch of lips on skin and Harry smiles.

-

"Honduras", Merlin says. "Probably closer to two months."  
"Right", Eggsy says.

They spend the last night before Eggsy's leave in bed.

"You wanna fuck?" Eggsy asks absently like he sometimes gets when he is thinking about work stuff.  
Harry shrugs.  
"Y/N?" Eggsy grins at him, sinking his fingers into Harry's hair and guiding him in for a kiss.

"M", Harry smiles and breaks them apart as he yawns. "Do you?"

"I'm kinda tired", Eggsy admits. "But it seems like a waste, y'know. I could croak and what would you remember me by then, huh? Some sloppy blowjob in the shower?"

"I would remember you from entirely other things", Harry confesses before thinking about it, the time and warmth and intimacy making him loose on the lips.

"Huh?" Eggsy smiles softly, tracing the dip of Harry's spine. "For example?"

Harry arches into the touch and thinks about it. "That day we went to the zoo. You, your family and I."

"I thought you didn't like it", Eggsy frowns.

"It is possible I had some reservations about your mother", Harry admits. "But it was lovely."

"You're shitting me", Eggsy cackles. "You afraid of me mum?"

"My mom", Harry corrects automatically.

"Whatever", Eggsy smiles. "Tell me what else you'd remember."

Harry thinks and comes up with millions of little things, little moments between them. There are so many of them, and suddenly he can't think anything else but how lucky he is.

"I would remember how happy you make me", Harry confesses quietly, catching and taking in the warmth in Eggsy's eyes when his words sink in.

"Well, be comforted in the knowledge that I'm thinking the same upstairs. Or downstairs. Who knows."

"Definitely upstairs", Harry decides. "After all, you would just give Saint Peter a trial run with your mouth and he'd be sold."

"You prick", Eggsy laughs and smacks Harry with a pillow.

-

Eggsy is gone for three and a half months. The Honduras case is easy, but then he stumbles head first into a human trafficking ring, and then Harry comes into work one morning and Merlin informs him that Eggsy has gone deep undercover. He is still using his classes, though, so they can keep up with him.

Harry likes to check his feed from time to time, just to have some semblance of connection or -- if he's lucky -- to hear Eggsy speak.

It seems that Eggsy has managed to gain one of the main player's son's trust. Rich twat, that one is, about Eggsy's age but thoroughly spoiled. They spend a lot of time swimming, clubbing and getting drunk.

It seems like only a friendship right until to the moment Harry clicks himself to the feed one day and finds himself face to face with a flushed, circumcised penis.

"I fucking love your mouth", the boy moans.

"And I love your dick", Eggsy answers and swallows him down, the image shifting to that of pubic hair and tanned skin, no condom.

"Ah!" the boy screams. "I love you!"  
Eggsy pulls off and looks up at the boy.

"And I love you."

Harry's heart aches, his breath coming short. 

He closes the feed and pulls at his hair until he gets himself back under control.

-

Eggsy gets back a week before Christmas. Harry takes him shopping.

"We agreed not to buy each other presents with Roxy", Eggsy explains. "I got mum and friends some books and souvenirs from Honduras and gift cards. So that leaves you, Merlin and you-know-who."

"I don't need anything and Merlin, really?" Harry wonders. "And I thought your mother told you not to spoil you-know-who."

"Merlin and I are good bros", Eggsy laughs. "And you-know-who deserves every fucking thing I can get my hands on. Christmas is only once a year. Look, there's Hamleys!"

-

Eggsy and his mother invite Harry over for Christmas dinner. It is a peaceful affair, or as much as it can when there are Eggsy and a small child present.  
Eggsy plays around with Daisy, giving her his full attention. Harry looks at them laughing on the carpet, Eggsy's eyes so, so bright and free from worries, and he can't help but wonder if it is truly too late already for him or too early for Eggsy.

"It's nice to have you here", Michelle says and Harry blinks himself back into focus.

"I'm grateful for your invitation", he answers and Michelle waves her hand nonchalantly.

"Don't mention it", she asks.

There has always been a tension between them. Harry isn't sure if she even remembers him, from after Lee's death, or if it is just the fact that he is so much older than Eggsy, or maybe some other reason entirely.

"You wanna sit with uncle Harry, huh?" Eggsy is asking and suddenly Harry has a lap full of squirmy child.

"Uh", he freezes.

"Hello", Daisy says and tries standing up on Harry's thighs.

"Well, hello there", Harry smiles and keeps her secure as she starts patting his face, her fingers soft but somehow a little sticky like children's hands tend to be.

"Harry", she rolls his name around her mouth, familiarising herself with it. 

It is so easy to get lost in it.

-

They're in bed. It's early evening but they decided to take a nap after getting back from a run. The warmth and comfort of the close proximity is almost enough to soothe Harry's wounded ego. 

He had been out of breath before Eggsy had even broken a sweat and even now his calves are aching while Eggsy doesn't look all that tired at all. 

He needs to start hitting the gym more often, focus more on cardio.

"You sore?" Eggsy murmurs when he wakes up momentarily and finds Harry's eyes open.

"No", Harry lies.

"Liar", Eggsy huffs. "Turn to your stomach."  
Harry is reluctant to let go of him but obeys.  
He can't help but groan aloud when Eggsy takes his foot into his hands and digs his thumbs in.

"Not sore, he says", Eggsy chides him and starts working him with swift, coordinated movements. Harry sinks his face into the pillow. "You could have said you wanted to go slower."

"Hmph", Harry bites the pillow when Eggsy finds a particularly tight spot, flexes his toes.

-

There is a mole among Kingsmen.

Merlin calls Harry at ten on a Thursday night when he is just getting ready for bed in the upstairs toilet while Eggsy is downstairs waxing his hair for a night out with his friends.

"There has been quite the leak of information", Merlin says and Harry is wide awake, putting on his suit. "As far as I know, it's nothing important. Assistant level knowledge. Could be someone from MI6. I already have four suspects."

"I'm on my way. Twenty minutes", Harry answers.

"Make it fifteen."

"What's up?" Eggsy asks when Harry hurries down the stairs.

"I have to go to work", he answers and puts on his coat, takes his umbrella.

"Someone having a crisis again?" Eggsy smiles. Harry can't answer, can't stop his ears from ringing or his head from spinning.

"I'm afraid it's all classified right now", he says and doesn't stay to watch Eggsy's face fall, just goes.

-

There isn't a mole among Kingsmen.

Harry stumbles home twenty-two hours after he left. He would have fallen asleep in the cab if it wasn't for the driver trying to chat him up, probably looking for a good tip. Harry gives it to him.

The house is blissfully quiet. Harry takes his clothes off and falls to bed, finds out that he can't sleep.

He gets up and does a full security sweep, checking locks and camera feeds. There is an odd, hollow sensation in his chest, something too fast in his veins.

The front door opens so suddenly Harry has himself around the corner, hiding faster than he thought he could.

"Harry?" Eggsy asks when he comes in and Harry can't decide if he is relieved or even more on edge.

"Yes?" he asks and comes back to the hallway.

"Oh, you're home", Eggsy smiles warmly. "You wanna grab dinner?"

"No", Harry says and tries not to fidget. Keeping still is so hard right now.

"You eaten already?" Eggsy asks and turns to hang his coat, his backside so vulnerable, like he doesn't realise how dangerous Harry is right now, how he could kill Eggsy.

"I want to spar with you", Harry says and Eggsy looks at him, eyes sharper than before, assessing him.

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Come on then."

They go back to headquarters, the ride on the cab silent, Eggsy giving Harry a wide berth, realising it is best to leave him alone right now.

They change their suits into workout clothes and warm up on their own, Harry hitting the treadmill for a moment, not really keeping track of Eggsy, not really thinking at all.

"I'm ready", he informs Eggsy and they move to the wrestling mat.

Eggsy is a good opponent, better than Harry remembered. They are almost equal in skills, but Eggsy has the advance of youth and superior strength. God, how it makes Harry's blood boil to see Eggsy holding back so he doesn't have to take Harry down more than once in a while. It clouds his judgement, makes him do even more stupid mistakes and put too much power behind his punches.

"Ow, fuck", Eggsy groans after a particularly hard kick to his calf. "Let's have a break."

Eggsy is half turned away already, most likely going to get some water, but Harry can't stand it, Eggsy turning his back to him like -- like he isn't even a proper threat.

"Let's not", he growls, or at least thinks he growls, not sure if he ever said it. He doesn't wait for Eggsy to turn back, takes the advantage.

For a moment he thinks he may just manage to get Eggsy pinned down, but then the whole world tilts somehow and it's his own back against the floor and Eggsy on top, his hand curled around Harry's throat. Not enough to cut off his air but enough to make him feel it. 

To make him afraid.

He is so tired of being afraid.

"Snap the fuck out of it! You fucking prick", Eggsy screams to his face and Harry blinks up at him. "When I say we're done, you don't stab me in the back! You don't fucking pull that kind of shite, okay? Okay?!"

"Okay", Harry parrots weakly.

Eggsy lets go of him slowly, eyes wary.

"I'm gonna go home", he says and rolls off Harry with ease, doesn't offer him a hand, doesn't look at him. "See you tomorrow."

And then he goes.

Harry stays on the floor for a long time, catching his breath and waiting until the phantom touch on his throat has faded.  
Then he gets up, showers and dresses himself.

He knows he did wrong. It is against every known training etiquette, every known rule to attack when someone has their back turned, and still he did it. To Eggsy, nonetheless.

Now that he realises what could have happened (Eggsy not reacting fast enough, Eggsy triggering some other instinct of Harry's, Harry not stopping, Harry hitting and hitting him), he can't help but wonder if Eggsy is alright. The more he thinks about that, the more it bothers him, the thought that Eggsy might be tending to his wounds alone, wounds that Harry has inflicted on him with his abuse.

Eggsy had called it off, and Harry hadn't stopped. It hadn't been two agents training: it had been Harry hitting Eggsy.

Maybe he thinks of Harry as no better man than that bastard former step-father of his.

Harry has to... he has to know.

-

"You fucking wanker", Eggsy growls at Harry when he comes down to the door, leaving the security latch on. Harry can see only half of his face as it is. "Go home."

"I'm sorry", Harry says. "I have to know you are alright. Please."

"I am. Now leave."

"Eggsy, I'm terribly sorry. I shouldn't have done that, it was very irresponsible of me and I can't stand the thought I could have inflicted any kind of damage on you", Harry burns with the desire to reach through the gap of the door and seek for Eggsy's touch, but he is afraid he might get his fingers crushed. Not that he doesn't deserve it.

Eggsy sighs wearily.  
"It ain't about that."

"What is it about then?" Harry asks. "Please, can I come in?"

Eggsy looks at him for a long time. Then he opens the latch and opens the door.  
"Come on."

Harry gets in and looks Eggsy over, doesn't notice him favoring either side of his body when he moves or otherwise being careful with any part of his body, and he can breathe more easily.

They go sit in the living room. The room looks hardly even lived in anymore and it's messier than Harry recalls.

"I still don't get why you don't trust me", Eggsy confesses and keeps his eyes trained to his hands. "You could have said you needed to blow off some steam and we could have done something smarter. Something that doesn't put me at risk."

"I'm sorry --"

"Heard that one already, ta", Eggsy huffs. "Just... Hit me one more time like that when we're alone and I'll castrate you like a pig. I know you ain't that kind of man but I ain't taking it ever again."

"Of course", Harry nods eagerly. "I promise, I won't do it again."  
Eggsy seems to search his eyes for a moment, making sure he is honest. That he feels the need to do so is speaking in itself.

"Okay", he says finally. "We spending the night at yours?"

-

They decide to order Chinese. Eggsy loves the fried noodles. Harry doesn't care for the food too much and something about the westernisation of it makes him grimace, but he doesn't hate it either.

"So. What put you on edge?" Eggsy asks when Harry quits the phone call and sits next to him on the couch. "Work?"

"Yes", Harry confesses, folding his hands in his lap, not sure if he is allowed to touch again and not willing to ask in fear of being declined. "There was a man selling information about Kingsman. It... It could have gotten quite ugly if he had compromised mission data."

"But he didn't?" Eggsy asks.

"He didn't. Merlin and I took care of it."

The Chinese arrives. Harry pays and then they eat.

"I guess I have never been good with relationships", he admits when the silence starts to feel pressuring. Eggsy looks at him and his eyes are bright, too bright, and Harry doesn't know how to stop him from feeling like this, just wants him to be happy. 

"I don't get it", Eggsy sighs. "You always make it seem like everything is your fault, like you're just waiting me to break this shite up."

This shite, their whole relationship. Harry swallows thickly, frozen in his place.

"I guess I'm afraid that you will", Harry coughs. "Get bored with me."

"Get bored with you?" Eggsy repeats. "You're such a fucking martyr."

"I'm sorry."

"Can you stop saying that?"

"But I am."

Eggsy shrugs. "It ain't changing nothing."

He gathers the dishes and takes them to the kitchen, back tight with tension.  
Harry can't get up from his chair, powerless.

"I'm sorry I'm not enough for you", he says when Eggsy comes back. 

He shakes his head mutely.  
"You're so fucking daft sometimes, Harry", he says, voice thick. "It ain't about being enough. I love you so fucking much --" Harry's heart, oh dear, his heart "-- but even I can see that we have some pretty major problems that we ain't talking about."

"You... love me?" Harry asks.

"Yeah", Eggsy looks at his feet. "It's okay that it ain't, uh, mutual. Really. It's just another thing we're not on the same page about."

"But I do", Harry confesses dazedly. "I love you, Eggsy. I -- I don't know what gave you the impression that I don't. You make everything so much better, surely you know that."

"But you --", Eggsy frowns. "You act so cold? You never ask me to... stay."

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable", Harry admits.

"Uncomfortable?" Eggsy shakes his head, falling quiet after that.

They go to bed together and Harry can't help but think that it is maybe the last time they are ever going to do it together.

"I love you", he whispers into the tightly stretched skin on Eggsy's collar bone, hides it there. He doesn't know if Eggsy hears, but he keeps petting Harry's hair until they both fall asleep.

-

Harry is sitting in the kitchen table. The morning sunlight dances across Eggsy's face and neck as he prepares tea. Harry's chest is tight and aching, so many things inside him wanting to come out at once.

Eggsy loves him. He loves Eggsy.

It is all out in the open now and he has never felt more vulnerable. Never felt more of a liar.

He watches Eggsy and thinks about what he sees.

He sees a young man, a beautiful, handsome man. He sees Eggsy's hands and knows how they feel on his skin, and he sees Eggsy's lips and knows how they feel on his.

He loves Eggsy, but he doesn't desire him. Not in a sexual way.  
He desires and craves his company, his touch, his attention, yes. 

But sex?

No.

Eggsy pours the boiling water.

He doesn't want to have sex with Eggsy.

Eggsy gives him his cup and smiles when their fingers brush.

He needs to say it like he should have done before.

"You okay?" Eggsy asks and Harry flinches. "Harry?"

"Oh. Yes", he stammers and wraps his fingers around the teacup.

Will Eggsy stop loving him? Will he despise him? Will he, will he leave him?

Harry can imagine the future that would leave him with. Growing old alone, his body slowly failing him, retiring, alone, alone, alone, dying and ending up as one of those poor people who lie dead in their houses for months before someone complains about the smell. Alone. Without.

The teacup shatters on the floor.

Harry snaps back to the present.

"Harry?" Eggsy puts his own cup on the table and starts to rise.

"No!" Harry lays his hands on Eggsy's shoulders. "Stay there. There are shards on the floor."

"Are you having a stroke?" Eggsy asks but sitting back down, taking Harry's hands into his own.

"No", Harry reassures him. "I..."

"You..?"

-

"I'm asexual."

-

They're sitting in the kitchen.  
It's morning and they are silent, Eggsy's hands going lax around Harry's but not quite letting go.

They are silent for the longest of times. Harry keeps list of the expressions as they pass on Eggsy's face, not a single sound escaping either one of them. 

Confusion, laughter. Confusion. Slow recognition, realisation. Pieces of a puzzle slowly clicking together. Sadness. Anger. Confusion.

The tea on the floor soaks through Harry's socks and he can hear his own heartbeat, the panicked staccato of it. This could be the last time he is able to touch Eggsy.

"This..." Eggsy croaks and the silence is broken just so that it can then return twice as suffocating.

They look each other in the eyes. Harry sees... he isn't sure what he sees. A myriad of emotions. Helplessness.  
He doesn't know what Eggsy finds.

Eggsy clears his throat.  
"Can't say I expected that. But I guess it makes sense."  
Harry's head is spinning with tension.

"I'm sorry", he blurts out without really meaning to.

"Don't say that", Eggsy sighs, squeezing Harry's fingers momentarily. "It ain't like you got any choice with that."

Harry doesn't know what to say to that, so he doesn't say anything, just waits while Eggsy thinks.

He waits for so long. In the end his patience runs out, some primal need to have Eggsy's attention on him winning out.

"Are you angry?" he asks and hates how weak his voice sounds, how everything he feels must be laid out right there on his face.

"I don't know", Eggsy lets go of one of Harry's hands to run his fingers through his hair, messing it up even further.

"Please", Harry chokes out. Eggsy's eyes snap back to him.

"Hush", he murmurs and leans over the table towards Harry, wraps his hands tightly back over Harry's, pressing their foreheads together. Harry's chest is expanding rapidly, blocking his throat and he grasps at Eggsy, his breathing catching again and again.

"Steady now, luv", Eggsy squeezes his fingers. "Breathe with me. In now, good, that's good. Out now. Yeah, there's my good boy."  
The endearment makes Harry choke, the thought that he is still Eggsy's, that Eggsy will still have him.

It takes him embarrassingly long to calm down and afterwards he can't face Eggsy properly. The sunlight makes his red eyes and glistening, flushed face even more prominent.

"Hey now", Eggsy croons at him, lets go of Harry's sweaty hands just to take his face in his hands, smoothing his thumbs under Harry's eyes, gathering the wetness there. "You wanna talk it through later?"

"No", Harry slurs and wipes his face himself, reaches for some paper to blow his nose. "I think I have avoided this conversation for long enough."

"That you have", Eggsy smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He pulls back, lets them both get themselves together before speaking. "How long have you known? Or, like. Identified with that. I'm assuming that it's a, uh, recent thing."

"Yes, that's right", Harry nods and folds his hands in his lap. He is tempted to lie, but he doesn't want to make this into an even bigger mess, wants to come clean once and for all. "I figured it out just before Gawain's breakdown."

He watches Eggsy's face as he thinks back to that, tries to come up with an accurate timeline.

"For half a year?" he asks weakly, his face pale and something akin to disappointed slipping through the cracks on his façade.

"Yes", Harry nods even though he can't look Eggsy in the eyes. "I... didn't know how to bring it up."  
Eggsy looks at him with wide eyes, something like a frown forming between his eyebrows. 

"So you, what? Thought it would be better to keep doing all the sexual stuff?" he demands. "I don't want to blame you for this because it's obvious this ain't easy for you, but fuck, Harry. You... you've never wanted the sex, have you?"

"I'm sorry", Harry says, sensing that they are entering something dangerous.

"Do you know what they call that? Having sex with someone who doesn't want to?" Eggsy runs both of his hands through his hair. "It's rape, Harry."

"It's not like that", Harry can feel the blood draining from his face. "Dear God, no. Eggsy, please. It's not like that. I have never once felt like, like you were forcing me to do something."

Eggsy laughs hollowly and shakes his head once, falls silent. Harry doesn't know what to do.

"I love you", he confesses. "I... I have never felt this strongly towards anyone and you have to realise that I am not a trusting man. It comes so easily to you but I am not like that. I were afraid that you would..."

"I would what?" Eggsy prompts after the longest of times, his voice soft again.

"Leave me", Harry's voice cracks around the whisper. There is something like guilt on Eggsy's face and Harry can't stand it anymore. Why did he even bring it up to begin with? If it isn't broken, why fix it?

"I love you", he repeats. "Please. This doesn't have to mean anything. We can keep going like we were, okay? Just forget I said anything, please."

"Harry", Eggsy sounds surprised. "You daft bastard. I'm supposed to forget your whole sexual orientation? I know I ain't reacting the best way, so sorry about that, but I'm really confused and you ain't helping much when you keep belittling yourself and trying to please me. You ain't okay with us having sex so we're not gonna do that, okay? I'm hella bothered you didn't say anything sooner and I can't... I can't promise you anything, okay? I'll try like I have before. Maybe it'll work and maybe it won't, I can't know. But I love you too and I ain't in this just for the sex, you've gotta know that."

-

They're in bed. Eggsy has dragged Harry half over himself and has his hand in Harry's hair and the other on his lower back, spreading warmth over the spot that aches so often nowadays.  
Harry presses up to that point of pressure and blinks his eyes open. The morning light blinds him for a moment before his eyes get used to it.

Eggsy looks content in his sleep, his nose twitching when Harry touches the corner of his eyes.

"H'ry", he mumbles and tightens his grasp in Harry's hair.

"Morning", Harry greets him softly and kisses his solar plexus. Eggsy wriggles in to the point of contact and yawns. "Love you."

"Love you, too", Eggsy answers. "Let's sleep."

"Okay", Harry agrees and shifts to move lay next to Eggsy.

"No", Eggsy pouts and pulls him towards himself. "Come here."

"I wonder how you are able to breathe like this", Harry grumbles but lets himself be pulled.

"More easily than any other way", Eggsy smiles at him. Harry can't help but laugh at the cheesiness of it all.

Eggsy traces his smile with his fingertips.  
"I have to go soon", he reminds Harry.

"But you'll come back", Harry reminds and Eggsy nods. 

They close their eyes for another moment.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains scenes that could be interpreted as non-con. Harry feels pressured to have sex with Eggsy in order to please him both before and after he starts identifying as asexual. Eggsy isn't aware of this. Harry has panic attacks and they are described and discussed.
> 
> I'm on Tumblr (schmockracy.tumblr.com)!


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